Choosing Me (Divorce, dating and more)

 I didn't come to this decision easily, or quickly, but I did come to it alone. 

From the outside, we were deemed a "picture perfect family". We did all of the outings, activities, family gatherings and photos as were expected. We successfully got through each day, with combined efforts with jobs, running kids to sports and things, meals, routines, etc. No one was miserable, by any stretch, but no one was truly happy either. We lived this way for years.

Sometimes it takes a tragic event, or at minimum some sort of awakening, to fully see how your life. Are you living it or simply existing in it? I was existing. Everyone got where they needed to go, all the things were achieved but no one's cup was full. I don't like that expression, but it makes the point.

I took care of the kids, my husband and my Mom. I encouraged them to do the things that interested them, visit the places that called to them, explore, learn and simply enjoy...while I chauffeured. I don't even think I knew I wasn't happy. I more felt that I was doing what all moms/wives did-lived for everyone else. I would change very little actually, because I would do it all again. I would give all of myself to ensure my kids were happy...that they had the things they needed...that my husband reached his goals...that my Mom was content and well...I would do it all again.

I remember the exact moment I knew I was done with the life I had actively created for myself. I knew what I had to do. It didn't make it any easier to do it. We had gone on this trip-the first real vacation since having kids. I want it say that "it should have been amazing", but that word..."should"...what does that even mean? It was fine. We did nice things, we ate nice food...but all I could think was that we would both be happier if we were there with someone else.

A week later, lounging on our bed, I said something to the effect that I thought our marriage was over. I blindsided him. I can remember the look on his face. It was like I was betraying him. My best friend of so many years. I never wanted that.

I can honestly say that no one cheated, no one called the other terrible names or lashed out horribly. Our marriage was fine, as most are, but there is more to life than "fine". Each of us deserved better, or at least different.

I never ever wanted this complicated life for my kids. I wanted to raise them in a happy home with both of their parents present, but at what cost? I completely lost myself trying to give them that life. I couldn't recognize myself anymore. I very genuinely didn't even know what I liked to do, or not do anymore. I never, ever took time for me. What would that even look like?! How would I have found the time? Kids in sports, husband who works, tutors, plays in a band, etc... 

I thought about all of these things for years, before I finally took the leap. It was the year after my Mom passed away. Losing her changed my entire existence. Losing her made me reevaluate everything. She knew, long before I did, that my marriage wasn't "right". I'll never forget Thanksgiving 2020 when my brother told me, and the supper guests, that Mom referred to my ex as "Her first husband'. I guess she didn't feel it would be right to tell me that's how she saw him, but oddly I find it comforting. She got me, better than anyone else ever will.

The whole process of the initial "our marriage is over" conversation, to telling our kids, to apartment renting, to adapting to shared custody...the list goes on...it has been hard. Hard isn't the word. It has been hard, mixed with moments of absolute hell. Adjusting to this new life seems to be an ongoing process. Some days now are very normal...the new normal. Others....I hurt for my kids, who are stuck in a situation they did not choose for themselves. I did the right thing for me, but did I do the right thing for them?

My kids are loved. They are loved by more people now than ever. They have an expanded family, that I never saw coming. It's amazing in ways, but while we as parents date and move on, we risk hurting our kids hearts along the way. I never make dating decisions without my kids hearts and minds in consideration. Have I handled it perfectly? No! Has he? No! Would I change some things if I could? Yup!

I've since thought I found "the one". I was wrong. I brought my kids into the relationship much too quickly, because he was a single Dad, with sole custody and scheduling felt impossible. Was that a mistake? Yes. Were feelings hurt? Yes. 

I'm not looking for a father for my kids-they have one of those. I am looking for someone who can fit into our lives though. Someone I can trust, who my children can trust...and let me tell you-that is no easy task. Dating at 40 means divorces, separations, exes, children, pets, formed habits, formed opinions, challenges a plenty. You both bring all or some of that to the table and it feels like a constant juggling act, even just with custody arrangements and such. I think these hurdles prompt people to make big decisions quickly. How can we make this easier? Make this work faster? I'm telling you-it ain't easy.

To the men and women who date a single parent-thank you. Thank you for creating space and understanding for us and our kids. We know we are a lot, but we are a package deal and if we let you in, you should know how special we must think you are. When you enter our lives, please know it is not just one heart you can break, it is all of our hearts, and that shouldn't be taken lightly. 

I tell you now-I choose me. I choose my kids. If you don't add positively to the life we are trying to lead, I will kindly say goodbye and wish you well. We are not all meant to be in each others lives. People come and people go. There is always a lesson to be learned in these encounters and some are really, really hard ones...some a little more subtle, and repeated until you've learned it.

I have so, SO much more to share, but this feels like a great cut-off point for today. Thank you for reading. I am grateful.

Quarantine Family Life-Part 1

Who would have guessed that we would still be living the quarantine life in May?? Not us! 

At first we were still allowed going to beaches...so we actively sought out new-to-us beaches in Nova Scotia and had a blast! We drove across the province just to see a special beach with amethyst and more. We trekked through the woods and came out at clearing we didn't know existed. We packed picnics, froze our buns off, and explored nature. We made the absolute most of our time together.

We made crafts (crafted until I broke a sweat, literally), even constructed an extensive dollhouse out of corrugated plastic and tape. Lots of tape. We did experiments, cooked and baked, did online workout videos together, played Scrabble, Pictionary, Twister and more. We started watching Life in Pieces (such a great show!) for comedic relief. We drew pictures, wrote cards and mailed them off to many, MANY people. We got lost down the rabbit hole called tik tok ...for more hours than I can to admit to. My girl even started her own Etsy shop, selling hand drawn stickers. I can proudly say we did so very well right through to the end of April.

The dollhouse, turned castle.

The weeks passed, restrictions tightened and the dreaded home schooling began. Lord save us all. One of my kids is a fantastic, self-starter. Home schooling for her is easy, enjoyable and productive. The other two...well...I would say it's like pulling teeth, but that doesn't do it justice. HELL ON EARTH! That's what it is. The youngest has been put in detention so many times that I have lost track. Home schooling can be fun, they said. SHUT UP, KAREN!

Anyway, I could feel us all starting to spiral, so we needed a new plan. We go for daily walks, or bikes, or skateboards, in our neighborhood. I make it mandatory, which sometimes sucks the joy right out of it. Most recently we started themed suppers, with photo shoots. This has been super awesome! The first day was formal night. We got dressed in our fanciest, still fitting, outfits, did a photo shoot inside and outside, and had a great meal. My youngest made invites, my middle girly made menus. My son showed up...so that was good. Last night was "Friends" theme. We ate sandwiches, had name tags, did another photo shoot and watched the "Pivot!" episode. Tonight is "slob" theme. This requires zero attire change, will involve photos, pizza, no napkins and lots of photos! Basically it's just another quarantine day around here. Good times.

Formal Theme Night

Friends Theme Night

       I'm told keeping this busy is a trauma response. I have always been my best when busy...so have I always been fighting off trauma? I choose to believe the answer is no. What I have learned is to not be so hard on yourself right now. If you're surviving this by staying in your pjs, eating ice cream for breakfast and crafting until you sweat...it's all ok. If you're eating well, working out and working from home...that's cool too. Surviving is enough right now. I don't know about you but working, home schooling and grieving for our world has been very hard on me, but I'm showing up for it all everyday. Not without complaints, not without sadness, not without frustrations...but I am alive and grateful. Do whatever the f*** works! My kids and I are healthy, happy-ish and together. What more could I truly ask for?!

I'll post an activity we do when it rains below and keep you posted on the nonsense we do to fill our time soon. Feel free to suggest some kid-friendly activities, or themes for us to try out. Stay well, stay safe, people. 

Awaken from Grief

I feel like I've awoken from a fog, created by deep, deep grief.

After my Mom died, I was so lost. The hole that it left in my heart, in my life, was so huge and impossible to fill back up. I tried, for months, to do things that brought me a little joy. I did things Mom would have loved, things that were on our family bucket list, things that created a distraction. Then one day, I literally woke up and everything had changed inside of me. Nothing made sense or felt right...and I felt hateful and hostile. I had spent the previous 11 months avoiding learning how to live without my Mom and actively held on, keeping her with me.

I saw mediums who told me I would see her in spirit. I meditated hoping it would happen. I wore her jewelry, held close a few articles of her clothing, hung her favourite painting above my bed and lived next door to her house. At times I did feel as though she was with me. I even had a dream where she stood right infront of me, smiling and looking so whole and well. I believe wholeheartedly that she visited me in that "dream"...to show me that she was ok. I thought I wanted nothing more than to know she was ok, but really what I wanted was my Mom back.

I'm not crazy. I didn't think I could resurrect her or anything, but I did feel very strongly that I could find a real way to keep her in my life.

What I realize now is that I was grasping, I was coping and I was in denial for my own survival.  The first 11 months after my Mom passed were strictly about survival.

So now what? Since that morning I woke up changed, I've actively revisited what brings be peace and clarity, while also acknowledging that I need to learn to accept that my Mom is gone and I can't bring her back. She walks with me in spirit and will always watch over me, but won't ever be there with me physically again. I can't call her, see her, hug her or laugh with her. I can't cry with her, plan things with her, celebrate with her...but I can talk to her. I can keep her memory alive for me and my kids.

I will still cry, I will still remember, I will still wish she was here and point out when we are doing something she would have loved. I will never forget, never be "over it" and never replace her, but I will learn how to live my best life without her. I will continue to find things to be grateful for in each day.

The other thing I was doing, and it almost makes me laugh in a strange way, is I was living my life how I felt my Mom would want me to. I was doing things I thought she would want for me...things that would make her proud and avoiding things that I felt she would disapprove of. Some things were silly but others were pretty significant.

When a loved one passes, we can't hold on so tight to their memory that we stop living our own lives. We can't live for them or how they wish we would live. We need to honour their memory, of course, but living our best lives is what we do for them...not live their life in their absense. Realizing this feels like an "ah ha" moment for me...a turning point.

So going forward, I will be seeking what brings me joy, what I'm passionate about and what is for my highest good. I won't be hiding from the pain and trying to fill the void. I am ready to start to heal the hole and I know that's what she would want for me.

I love you, Mom. There is no replacement for you, your unconditional love and our bond. There won't be a day that passes where you aren't on my mind and in my heart...but I'm ready to live for me.

Rest in peace.

At a Crossroads

Have you ever felt so clearly at a crossroads, so clearly at the cusp of something new and fantastic, but you feel like you're getting in your own way from realizing it? Well that is exactly where I am at.

As much as I truly believe that everything happens in divine time, I'm not traditionally a patient person and I feel very ready for the next step. More than ever before, I feel to the core of my being that it's going to be something great and something huge for me. I can see myself giving talks about my journey, to help others on theirs. After being through so much this past year, seeing my Mom through cancer and with her in her final moments...it changed me and it taught me. There are so many people in the world going through something similar and I believe that there is peace in knowing that you are not alone.

I meditate on all of this daily and feel as though I'm shown little glimpses, but I still don't know what's next...and maybe that's how it is supposed to be for now.

I wish you clarity on your journey. May you listen to your intuition and be guided where you need to go for your own highest good.

My Spiritual Journey. Part: 1

I can hardly believe how long it has been since I posted on here. My life has changed so drastically...I don't even know where to start...

The short version is that a lot has happened over the past year. All of which has lead me on a significant spiritual journey. I am finding myself and understanding myself in a much more thoughtful way. I am trying all kinds of new things that speak to me and if they resonate, I try them again. If they don't, I am still grateful for the experience, but I let it go.

Years ago now, my Mom started having heart troubles, which eventually led to stents in February 2017. The procedure was very successful and for a short time, my Mom had a new lease on life. All of a sudden in March 2017, she started having new, different pains. They were enough near her heart that she assumed it was still heart related, and so did her Cardiologist. After 9 months of various appointments, misleadings, different doctors, tests, emerg visits and more, my Mom was diagnosed with stage 3 Pancreatic Cancer and surgery wasn't an option. We were both in such deep denial. She had known something serious was wrong, but I kept trying to stay positive. She was admitted in hospital all of January 2018 and by the end of the month, I knew I couldn't do everything on my own. My brother moved from Toronto to help and thank goodness he did. Mom had palliative radiation treatments, which did help for a couple of weeks, but after that, her decline was quick and steady. She passed away 4 months after her diagnosis. To saw that I was irrevocably changed by this would be a gross understatement. I am a different person now, in maybe every way.

This all seems like such a crude way to describe what that journey was like. I will elaborate in great detail in a future post.

After my Mom passed a few things happened. I felt I needed a distraction and a new career. I took every aptitude test out there and nothing gave me any clarity. Then one day my husband said something as simple as, "What about real estate? You had talked about doing that years ago." After that one conversation, and another with a Real Estate Agent I know, I enrolled in the Real Estate course and worked for hours daily on it. While this was going on, I was also spending large amounts of time reading about the spiritual world and how to connect with loved ones.

I will never ever regret taking the Real Estate course. It gave me a healthy distraction in those first months. I feel like without it I would have gone completely insane. I lost my person and making decisions without her, or even looking at her house, felt darn near impossible. She had lived right next door to me...so that was especially difficult...and continues to be.

As time passed, I found my interest and passion for spirituality grew. It was always about connecting to my Mom, which was yet to have happened. I ended up being led to an online group with a wonderful medium who was definitely an important part of my journey. I took a couple of courses with her, but mostly importantly, I was shown that I was not alone in my interests and made a wonderfully supportive friend through the group. I also saw a local medium. Meeting her has also been great because I feel supported in my journey just being around her. She holds occasional workshops at her business and they are tremendously informative and journey-supportive.

One of the things that truly fascinates me is how now I am naturally drawn to people with similar interests. I can meet a new person and know right away if I can discuss the spiritual world with them. My favourite meeting came completely unexpected, this past November. I was entering a contest with my husband, where you go around to local businesses and add something they sell to your "wish list". We were literally done and heading back to the car when I noticed a sign for one of the galleries on the list that we had never been to. I felt very drawn to check it out and we had just enough time to do so. The building itself was spectacular, the art was so varied and interesting. We were loving every second. When it came to getting a signature for our wish list entry, I met the owner. She is this deeply spiritual and connected person, who has shown me more in my brief time knowing her than any of my previous teachers. I know whole-heartedly I was called to meet her that day and that she will continue to be an important part of my story.

Part of this journey is trying new things, as I mentioned before. So far I have gone to a medium, attended a group Sound Healing session, taken part in a Kirtan, done lots and lots of meditation and yoga, and taken part in a deeply powerful Journey Circle (with the lady just mentioned). What an amazing universe I am being shown! I had been shown some things in the past, but nothing prepared me for knowing how much is out there, that many people close their eyes to. We are deeply connected to one and other, to nature, to energy...and it is a beautiful and supportive thing to explore.

Without going into too much detail, I will say that I have connected with my Mom through dreams and wake up feeling that these experiences heal my heart a little bit each time. In the most recent dream, she was standing right in front of me, looking so excited. I sputtered out, "I can see you! Can you see me?!" I woke up knowing that we had experienced something very real. I feel like she finally figured out how to reach me and I know there will be more visits from her. I can't express how grateful I am for this. Feeling so connected to her is helping me so much. I always felt like she would be with me, but now I know that she is and I feel she supports me and my new journey very much.

So, now what? I have no idea. I feel like my new path is just beyond my grasp. I feel like I'm on the edge of something great unfolding. I would dare say that I feel like my life's purpose is going to be shown to me.

That was a lot to unload, after such a long absence on here...so I will leave you with that for now. Thank you for taking time to read this.

Light & Love.

Much needed "Friend" Rant

I have allowed myself to agonize over a few friendships recently and all of a sudden, this morning, I realized that true friendship wouldn't have me questioning everything. True friends wouldn't talk behind my back. True friends would tell me to my face when or if there was an issue to address. True friends wouldn't all of a sudden drop out of your life without an explanation.

For months now, I've been keeping secrets from a friend, to spare her feelings during an immensely difficult time in her life, but now I realize I was doing a major disservice to our friendship and to myself. I let this information I have fester and all it has done is stress me out and in the end, the bad guy won...which is laughable really. I tried to be the good friend and in the end, I'm the one painted as the villain. 

I try to be a good person and a good friend, but with 2 jobs, 3 kids, a husband with 2 jobs and his Masters...I'm lacking. All of that said, I think I'm ok with that. I need to take care of myself and my family and if my "friends" can't understand and respect that, were they ever my real friends to begin with?

I do not have room for drama in my life...especially not now. I thought this kind of crap ended in junior high? Guess not. Why can't women just love and support each other? Why can't we be cheerleaders for each other and raise each other up in this cruel world? 

Enough!

End rant.

"Be kind to one another."

By the time we reach our 30's, we should have learned how to behave. We should have learned how to treat people and how we want to be treated. We can not treat people poorly and expect to be treated well in return.

Treat people how YOU wish to be treated. Treat people with kindness and respect, even when it's difficult to do so. Don't be a mean girl. Don't talk behind your "friends" back. You never know what will get back to them and how much your comments might hurt.

Lets be part of Ellen's movement to simply "Be kind to one another". Sounds easy, right? 

Hold the door for the person behind you. Say please and thank you. Pay compliments. Smile at people for no other reason other than to spread joy. None of these things cost you a cent, but they can mean the world to someone. Always remember that little things mean a lot.

Never forget that people are struggling. Everyone has something going on in their lives that is less than perfect. Maybe its a job, a relationship, an illness...maybe it's on a much smaller scale, like an upset stomach or blister on their heel. The point is, everyone is dealing with something.

Be kind. Spread joy and share smiles, not rumors. Be patient, be present and treat others how you wish to be treated. Life is a beautiful thing. Lets make it even more beautiful together.

Choose Joy

Just finished reading Elizabeth Gilbert's "Not this" post. It's exactly what I needed to read.

Have you ever been at a point in your life where you know it's just not right? Whether it's your job, your circle of friends, your relationship, etc...you just know, for whatever reason, you are not where you are meant to be.

What matters is how you handle this situation. Do you just quit the job? Leave the friends? Get divorced? Or do you make a plan first? The point is, do SOMETHING. Change SOMETHING. We get out of the world what we put into it. So if we are miserable, we get misery.

Life shouldn't be all about hating our jobs, feeling frustrated in "friendships" and insecure in our relationships. There should be joy. Find joy. Search for joy until you have it.

Life isn't perfect. We are not in search of perfection, but we should be in search of a little joy.

A Little Martimer Venting

Living in the Maritimes, for some of us anyway, means working your hardest and only just paying the bills. It means working 60+ hour work weeks and still not always coming out ahead. Do we have a wonderful quality of life here in other ways? Yes! BUT we pay dearly for it. Our food costs more, our rent or mortgages are high and we get paid less. This is why people move out West, and elsewhere. Living in the Maritimes, unless you have a specialty profession, is hard. It's a sacrifice.

Raising my kids here is why I make this sacrifice. They live in a beautiful province. They go on adventures throughout this beautiful province and discover its' diversity constantly. In my opinion, that element of their lives is crucial and irreplaceable.

I have this silly dream that I'll win the lottery and not have to worry constantly about money. I'm told you have to buy tickets to win though. Go figure.

So, for now, I will work my 2.5 jobs and hope and pray that things get better here...for everyone. The sad reality is that the current government won't be what gets us there....but I'll save that rant for another day.

Bullying in Schools

If your child is viewed as "different", for whatever reason, school life is going to be hard. People are going to prey on their differences, their weaknesses and say and do mean things to make themselves feel better about themselves. As a parent, your heart will break a little, a lot, every time your child comes home with a distressed look on their face. If you're lucky, your child will reach out to you. Listen. Listen to every single word they say and take it seriously, because to them, it is serious.

Bullying can come in many forms. Sometimes it's verbal. Do not brush this one off. Verbal abuse is as damaging, if not more so, than physical. Physical abuse can be as simple as a shove in the hall. In this day in age, one of the most common is the cowardly action of cyber-bullying. Our kids are growing up in an age where nothing is private and reactions can go "viral" in seconds. There is also something called "Relational" bullying, which my son has been victim to, but I never knew the term. Relational bullying is when other kids deliberately exclude a child, or children from an activity or group.

One thing I have found the hardest in dealing with these child-bullies is actually not the child at all. It's the parents who think their child walks on water. "Oh little Johnny isn't a bully. He lets everything roll off his back. He thought your child would do that same. I didn't know your child was soooo sensitive." I could just scream! Yes, my child is sensitive when it comes to incessant name calling and bullying. Is my child perfect? Nope! Does my child do things that are displeasing at times? Absolutely! I do not have my blinders on when it comes to my kids. They are flawed humans...we all are. It's these cocky kids, who think they're entitled to everything, who grow up to have really, crucially poor judgement. They are, in my opinion, a danger to the average child.

Schools say they have a zero tolerance policy to this type of behaviour, but it couldn't be further from the truth. Kids treat other kids horribly and get away with it every single day. Sometimes the kids aren't bringing it to their teacher's attention, because they're embarrassed or scared...but sometimes they bring it to the attention of the school and nothing more is done than a simple, "Were you mean? Yes. Don't do it again. Ok." That simply isn't enough! Our kids need to know that the adults in their lives are there to help and protect them for these bullies.

Today I feel so angry for my child. I feel like I should be doing more and helping more. For now, I will love him like crazy and make sure he knows his family loves and supports him. My one closing piece of advice is this;Love your kids, but know they do not walk on water. Watch for the signs, good or bad, that something is going on in your child's life and help them through it. We live in a scary, but at times wonderful, world. Pay attention.

Friendship Isn't About Who You've Known The Longest...

Growing up I always felt like I was on the outside of the group. I was friends with all the "cool" kids, but never ever felt at home. As an adult, I haven't maintained a true friendship with any of those people and it's abundantly clear why. They were not my "people". They were not my true friends...not even close.

As an adult, it has taken me many years to find my place. I always told myself that I didn't need friends and that my family was enough. Don't get me wrong, I have an incredible family, but everyone needs a friend or two.

I would go to the "Mommy & Me" groups and feel like a fraud. I would go places with people, who were actively trying to be my friends, and I would feel sad. I wasn't experiencing social anxiety, I was just acutely aware of not feeling like myself amidst these people. I would come off as shy, when really I just felt deeply out of place. I didn't want to only talk about breast feeding all day. I didn't want to talk about mommy issues all day. I wanted to be surrounded by people who remembered that although being a mother is likely our greatest achievement, there was more to talk about than eco-friendly diapers and co-sleeping.

I am saddened to think that many of us, sometimes me too, live in a constant state of "junior high". Women can be so cruel. The gossiping and chatter doesn't end in junior high, it continues and follows us through life. The judging, the criticisms....why can't women just lift each other up and see the good in each other?! How often do you hear a woman say that she prefers to hang out with men? TOO OFTEN! It is because men are simple. They address their issues and move on. Sometimes that may simply involve a shoulder shrug, or maybe some choice words...but the point is that they deal and move on. Women bottle their issues, let them fester and then explode...or implode. I am OVER IT!

Fast forward to my 30's and I have finally found my crew; a group of incredible, relateable, strong, real women. Women who are themselves when we hangout. Women who are wonderful mothers, and share stories of their children, but also know there is more in their lives than whether or not little Johnny has a diaper rash. Women who are supportive of each other's aspirations and lift each other up instead of knocking each other down. Women who are there when you need them, but know when to give you space, and women who are confident enough in your friendship that they don't need to hound you daily with the need for validation. Now don't get me wrong, having such amazing women-friends takes work, but they are so worth it!

We dance together, we laugh together and sometimes we cry together...while laughing or dancing...but the point is, we are ourselves together. What a gift true friendship is! I never would have thought I'd find it as an adult...or ever really, but here it is.

My last words of semi-wisdom are these: Don't settle, in any aspect of your life. If your friends don't feel right to you, it's because they aren't. I believe, very strongly, that there are people out there for all of us. Sometimes it just takes awhile to find them. Listen to your inner voice. He/she knows what they're talking about!

One Proud Mama

Have you ever had a moment where you are just so incredibly proud of your children that the emotions you're having feel too big to contain? I experienced that tonight and as much as I tried to find the words to express this to my kids...no words felt like enough. 

We pitched a business idea, at an event like Shark Tank, as a family, and did not win. We worked so hard on the pitch and my kids were so genuinely thrilled to partake in the event...they were so confident in us and certain we would win. They sat patiently for an hour before our turn, and another half hour after our turn until the winner was announced.  They were so proud of themselves, and of me. When the winner was called, a lovely man making innovative water-buffalo mozzerella (yes, this is a thing) , and it wasn't us, my 4 year old instantly headed for the door. She was so disappointed. I think I was more disappointed for her than I was for me...but I've done some thinking and realize they learned a valuable lesson. Even when you try really hard, and do an incredible job at something, you don't always win. This doesn't mean that you give up though. So we will try, try again and pitch our idea again next month. 

I must also mention that my 4 year old did a little ad lib in our pitch and was clearly the star of the show. I was so proud of her thoughtful comments that I pushed back a proud tear that tried to sneak out. 

For now, I am going to continue feeling fiercely proud of my kids for all of their hard work and bravery...and then it's back to the drawing board for an improved idea!

Turning my dream into a realty...I hope!

I am a dreamer, a thinker, a creator. I am constantly thinking up business ideas and how I can put them into action. Thus far, other than the occasional handmade craft, I have never actually put any of my ideas into action...until now.

Very recently, at my current job, a lady walked in and asked my advice on selling her business. I could hardly believe the feeling that came over me, all at once. It was like I was having a full body reaction to what I was hearing. This business is a gym and I am a Registered Holistic Nutrition Consultant. I have been a member at this gym before and often fantasized about all that it could become if I was able to get in there. I would turn it into a Wellness Centre, with elements that would be applicable to the whole community. It would be more than a gym and more like a destination for health and happiness. I feel so strongly about this en devour that I struggle to put it into words, but anyone who talks to me about it sees and feels the passion I have for this new adventure.

But here's the kicker. Since I am currently seasonally employed, banks don't want to give me a loan. Since my idea isn't an advancement in technology, an export or about mass job creation, the centre doesn't fall into any grant's criteria. Now, if I was established in my business, for at least two years, then grants apply and then banks will give me a loan...but how am I ever supposed to get to that stage?!

As an educated, hardworking, mother of three I am not a good risk for the bank...apparently. My business plan is in place and so solid. My ideas are the right ones. My vision will benefit many...but that isn't enough. My current job is only six months of the year! My new business would keep me employed all year long!

Where I live, the people who succeed are the ones who make success happen themselves. There is very little job opportunity, unless you create it yourself, but how can you do it without money?! Whoever created the concept of money anyway? All it does is create problems, hold us back, separate the classes, create poverty and greed... I'm getting off track here.

To make a long story short. I have a dream and I am working so hard to make it my realty, but it sure isn't easy!

To learn more about my story, check out my Go Fund Me campaign  here . I am asking for prayers, vibes and/or monetary contributions. People with dreams and ambition should be able to make them come true!

My Gluten-Free Girly

For the past few years, my daughter has complained of belly pains. At first we thought it was normal kid complaints, until it became something much more than that.

What started off as seemingly minor belly aches, developed into something so painful that my daughter would thrash around in her sleep, crying. It was awful. This landed us in emerg, with bloodwork, x-rays and nothing more than a note to give her Restorolax daily, until things improved. Her pains were always written off as constipation, but not once did a medical doctor suggest what might be the cause of the problem.

The routine of her being "ok", then minor pains starting, then the pain getting worse and then ending up back in emerg, became a regular routine. Every single time, the emerg doctor, our family doctor and a pediatrician, all said "give her Restorolax and she'll be cleaned out in a couple of days". This was true, but then the problem would start all over again and STILL, no one would get into what might be causing this.

After dealing with this serious problem, for longer than I would like to admit, I took matters into my own hands...since we weren't getting anywhere otherwise. I decided to do a food elimination with her. The first obvious choice was to remove gluten and see how she made out.

Initially, we were going to try two weeks completely off gluten and really closely monitor her reaction. Her biggest concern was, "What will I do at birthday parties?! I won't be able to eat any cake!". It struck me as funny that this could be her biggest concern, but at the same time, I felt sad that she was sad.

Do you know how many things gluten is in?! Even things like bouillon has gluten! I discovered this while making her a list of what she could and could not eat, just to make sure we were completely avoiding gluten. Anyway, in only a few shorts days of going gluten-free, her belly pains were gone. Not just improved, but gone. This stupid ingredient had been the culprit for causing my little girl so much pain for years.

My daughter is about a month in to being completely gluten-free. She goes to school with a smile on her face, not a frown because her belly is hurting. She stays in school every day, all week long, because she doesn't have any pains. It feels like such a weight has been lifted and other than bringing her own gluten-free cupcake to parties, there have been very few frustrations for her along the way.

If I have learned anything from this experience, it is this- medical doctors would benefit greatly from taking Holistic Nutrition studies during their medical degree. If their solutions to problems were more than just a band-aid approach, I feel confident that we would have a much healthier, happier population. Finally, mom sometimes DOES know best.

Anxiety? Me?! Well....ya.

Last week, while wasting way too much time reading junk on Facebook, I read something that has completely changed my perspective...of myself.

It wasn't so much the portion about depression, it was the part about anxiety. As much as I know I'm a worrier, I never stopped to examine just exactly how much my worrying, or anxiety, effects every single element of my life.

I care so much about everything and everyone. I'm a people pleaser, in the extreme. I'm a perfectionist. I function best when things are tidy, uncluttered and chaos-free...which is hilarious, since I have three kids. I'm indecisive...well...ya....I'm indecisive. I'm cautious, to the point where I let it hold me back. I embarrass easily, but I'm an excellent public speaker. I want friends, but when people try to befriend me, I'm standoffish. I'm definitely my own worst enemy.

I have had more business ideas over the past 10 years than a whole family could ever come up with in a lifetime, yet I do nothing about them...and then inevitably, six months later, someone has seemingly stolen my incredible idea and become an instant success. I'm creative, imaginative, thoughtful and am over flowing with common sense.

All of that said, this stupid anxiety holds me back! I don't use my French very often, because I hate the thought that people are judging my lack of French accent. I don't join Zumba (which I LOVE) because I'm not very coordinated and hate the thought of people making fun of my klutziness. I have wanted to take singing lessons for years, but the idea of singing one-on-one with someone makes me feel uncomfortable just thinking about it. I don't start any one of my business ideas because I'm afraid of failing...I also need a huge loan, that I'm afraid of getting rejected on. Geesh.

The sad part is, unless you have anxiety, you'll read this and think that if I just worked up a little courage, I could push through all of this crap. If only it were that simple. I can't stress enough, that anxiety is at the very root of my being. It is there, all the time, even when it seems like it's not.

They say the first step is acknowledging you have a problem. Thanks to some post on Facebook, that I was clearly meant to read, I've at least acknowledged that I'm not simply an excessive, over the top worrier...there's more to it, and sadly, it runs in my family.

I'm sitting here, staring at the computer screen, trying to think of a "second step" to working on my anxiety and have to laugh at myself. I thought about heading out and trying something new, to challenge myself, but got concerned the roads might be icy (it's sunny and above freezing) and decided to stay in. Ha! Well, I guess it'll be harder than I thought.

To those who can relate, even a little to this jumble, at least we're not alone.

Leave Your Problems at Home

I work in customer service. In one way or another, I have worked in customer service since I was 15 years old. Part of my job, and actually an important part, is to leave my personal problems at home and put on my game face for the people I serve. The people who visit my work are on vacation and they don't need to be burdened with my bad day/mood. Is it too much to expect similar treatment when I'm out shopping, eating at a restaurant or even dealing with a realtor? No.

I'm sorry you're having a bad day, week, month or year, but when you come to work, you put your best foot forward and provide a positive experience for your guest/client/customer. When people are out and about, they are often escaping their own problems for a few minutes, so don't burden them with yours. Help make their experience an enjoyable one and hopefully others will do the same for you.

I am not a heartless person. In fact, I am quite the opposite. If anything, I care too much, but if you can't provide quality customer service everyday that you show up for work, you are in the wrong industry.

Life is hard and work can be challenging, but no customer should be punished for your bad day. Be kind. Be patient. Good customer service goes a long. The word of bad customer service spreads like wild fire.

My Favourite Restaurant

For 22 years, I have had a favourite restaurant. At a quick glance, you might not be able to tell how awesome it is there, but as soon as your server greets you, something becomes quickly clear: You are in the presence of greatness.

It has changed in décor from when I first started going. In fact, it has shortened it's name in that time as well. It used to have all wooden furniture and a classic laundromat board on the wall for the business, The Missing Sock, that used to be downstairs. Now, and for many years actually, the downstairs in an extension of my favourite restaurant and the retro laundromat board is no longer there. So really, I can't complain about my favourite restaurant having more seating than it used to.

What do they serve at said restaurant, you ask? Beautiful salads, award winning, creative burgers wraps and so much more! For 22 years, with possibly 2-3 exceptions ever, I have been ordering The Original Pita Club and in 22 years, it hasn't changed a bit. It may sound like a simple dish, but let me tell you, it is absolutely perfect! Real roasted turkey, bacon, romaine lettuce, tomato, cheddar cheese and mayonnaise, all rolled up in a whole wheat wrap. I usually order their special potato wedges, but regular fries, sweet potato fries and side salads are an option as well. Mouth is watering...

22 years ago, I first stepped foot into this restaurant almost by chance, as my Mom and I were out for one of our great walks. We didn't know at the time that it would prove to be a restaurant we would go back to for years to come. Years later, I would eat there with my university boyfriend, while our laundry washed and dried downstairs. Now, married with 3 kids, we go as a family. It has become a meeting ground for my family and friends and I do not step into the city without eating there. I couldn't. I would feel like my visit was incomplete.

I must not forget to mention their staff. Although there has been some turnover of course, in the 22 years I have been going there, one thing remains as true now as it was then: their staff is excellent! They are genuinely friendly, patient and kind. Whoever does the hiring there does an incredible job on finding these talented people to join their team.

Another kind of neat fact about Darrell's is you never know who you might bump into when you eat there. It happens to be a favourite spot for Big Brother Canada Season 1, couple Emmett Blois and Jillian MacLaughlin. They even bring other cast members there when they visit.

So, now, the big finale!!! This perfect restaurant, aka Darrell's, and formerly known as My Other Brother Darrell's, can be found at 5576 Fenwick St., in Halifax, Nova Scotia. If you haven't been, make a point to go! Everything they serve is delicious, but promise me you'll start with The Original Pita Club. You will not regret it!



#darrellsresto #halifaxresto #theoriginalpitaclub #foodie

Divorce

Over the past couple of years, I have started to see some of my friends get divorced. Divorce is nothing new in my life. My Mom and Dad divorced when I was four years old. My brother divorced...probably 20 years ago. I'm all too familiar with the ramifications of both staying together for the wrong reasons and finally divorcing for the right reasons.

None of my friends/family members took the decision lightly. In fact many of them spent years being unhappy together for their kids sake before making the decision. I don't think I agree with staying together "just for the kids"...although I completely understand it.

The dynamic of a divorced family is difficult at the best of times. There are few exceptions, of course, when a divorce is so amicable that the family unit stays a unit in some sense. The adults are able to see the bigger picture and act in a way that is advantageous to the children. I have so much respect for people who can rise above their bitterness and act in the best interest of their children. It took my parents 10 years to get to that place.

It has been for many years now that my parents act friendly towards one and other. We can all have a sit down meal together and everyone is friendly. On a good day, they'll even reminisce about the "good ole days" and talk about how amazing their grandchildren are. Those days are very special. It makes me sad that my kids will never know their grandparents as a unit. They are Grampa and Nana, separately, but that doesn't bother my kids any.

I am so grateful to have parents who love me and love my kids more than I could have ever imagined. I am so grateful for parents who will come together for grandkids birthdays, graduations, weddings and celebrations and there are no harsh words or angry stares. There is just love. Maybe not for each other, but for their shared loved ones.

All of that said, I have many examples in my life of couples that should have never, ever stayed together. I don't believe that people should stay together if they are miserable. Marriage is hard. Marriage takes work and the desire to make it work. In this day and age, although expensive, divorce is way too easy and often taken too lightly. We are raising today's generation to think that marriage isn't forever, it's just for now. We are raising them in a time where a divorce can be granted by a few simple clicks of the mouse. Marriage is supposed to mean more than that.

So to all my family and friends getting divorced in 2014; I think you are very brave. This was not an easy choice, but I know you have tried to make things work, in some cases for a very long time. You deserve happiness.

Much love.

Student Loan Rant

Student loans...where to begin?

For my husband to go to university, he had to get student loans. He did a year of French Immersion, his Bachelor of Arts and his Bachelor of Education. He is now a permanent French teacher, which in Canada Student Loans minds means that he can afford to be in repayment of his loans. I understand that they want their money back, but can't they wait until he has been permanent at least a year before demanding payment? It took 5 years for him to get permanent. It took 5 years of supply teaching and working a second job to get permanent. It took a lot of patience and moving out of province for him to get permanent. We are in debt up to our eyeballs because of the journey it took to finally get here...and after all this hard work, we're going to be worse off financially than when he didn't have permanent because of his student loan. Ugh!

Why does university have to be so darn expensive?! The cost of university is ridiculous! We will be paying off his student loans for our entire adult lives. There is no end to them in the foreseeable future. There is something very wrong with this picture!

I, on the other hand, have very little student loans. I was fortunate to have my father pay for most of my education, but that said, I'm working for near minimum wage because there are very few decent jobs in the area we live in...which we moved to solely for my husband to get a permanent teaching job. Double ugh!

Feels like we just can't get ahead! I know we're not alone on this. What a mess of a system we live in. I'm so tempted to move somewhere in the deep North or far West just to get ahead financially.

So, just so we're clear...if we make more money, our student loan repayment increases by a lot, which means that we actually have even less money than we do now. So making more money would actually be a financial burden. Yup...that's right. Figure that one out!

End rant.

The Things You Take For Granted...