I feel like I've awoken from a fog, created by deep, deep grief.
After my Mom died, I was so lost. The hole that it left in my heart, in my life, was so huge and impossible to fill back up. I tried, for months, to do things that brought me a little joy. I did things Mom would have loved, things that were on our family bucket list, things that created a distraction. Then one day, I literally woke up and everything had changed inside of me. Nothing made sense or felt right...and I felt hateful and hostile. I had spent the previous 11 months avoiding learning how to live without my Mom and actively held on, keeping her with me.
I saw mediums who told me I would see her in spirit. I meditated hoping it would happen. I wore her jewelry, held close a few articles of her clothing, hung her favourite painting above my bed and lived next door to her house. At times I did feel as though she was with me. I even had a dream where she stood right infront of me, smiling and looking so whole and well. I believe wholeheartedly that she visited me in that "dream"...to show me that she was ok. I thought I wanted nothing more than to know she was ok, but really what I wanted was my Mom back.
I'm not crazy. I didn't think I could resurrect her or anything, but I did feel very strongly that I could find a real way to keep her in my life.
What I realize now is that I was grasping, I was coping and I was in denial for my own survival. The first 11 months after my Mom passed were strictly about survival.
So now what? Since that morning I woke up changed, I've actively revisited what brings be peace and clarity, while also acknowledging that I need to learn to accept that my Mom is gone and I can't bring her back. She walks with me in spirit and will always watch over me, but won't ever be there with me physically again. I can't call her, see her, hug her or laugh with her. I can't cry with her, plan things with her, celebrate with her...but I can talk to her. I can keep her memory alive for me and my kids.
I will still cry, I will still remember, I will still wish she was here and point out when we are doing something she would have loved. I will never forget, never be "over it" and never replace her, but I will learn how to live my best life without her. I will continue to find things to be grateful for in each day.
The other thing I was doing, and it almost makes me laugh in a strange way, is I was living my life how I felt my Mom would want me to. I was doing things I thought she would want for me...things that would make her proud and avoiding things that I felt she would disapprove of. Some things were silly but others were pretty significant.
When a loved one passes, we can't hold on so tight to their memory that we stop living our own lives. We can't live for them or how they wish we would live. We need to honour their memory, of course, but living our best lives is what we do for them...not live their life in their absense. Realizing this feels like an "ah ha" moment for me...a turning point.
So going forward, I will be seeking what brings me joy, what I'm passionate about and what is for my highest good. I won't be hiding from the pain and trying to fill the void. I am ready to start to heal the hole and I know that's what she would want for me.
I love you, Mom. There is no replacement for you, your unconditional love and our bond. There won't be a day that passes where you aren't on my mind and in my heart...but I'm ready to live for me.
Rest in peace.
Thursday, March 28, 2019
Wednesday, January 9, 2019
At a Crossroads
Have you ever felt so clearly at a crossroads, so clearly at the cusp of something new and fantastic, but you feel like you're getting in your own way from realizing it? Well that is exactly where I am at.
As much as I truly believe that everything happens in divine time, I'm not traditionally a patient person and I feel very ready for the next step. More than ever before, I feel to the core of my being that it's going to be something great and something huge for me. I can see myself giving talks about my journey, to help others on theirs. After being through so much this past year, seeing my Mom through cancer and with her in her final moments...it changed me and it taught me. There are so many people in the world going through something similar and I believe that there is peace in knowing that you are not alone.
I meditate on all of this daily and feel as though I'm shown little glimpses, but I still don't know what's next...and maybe that's how it is supposed to be for now.
I wish you clarity on your journey. May you listen to your intuition and be guided where you need to go for your own highest good.
As much as I truly believe that everything happens in divine time, I'm not traditionally a patient person and I feel very ready for the next step. More than ever before, I feel to the core of my being that it's going to be something great and something huge for me. I can see myself giving talks about my journey, to help others on theirs. After being through so much this past year, seeing my Mom through cancer and with her in her final moments...it changed me and it taught me. There are so many people in the world going through something similar and I believe that there is peace in knowing that you are not alone.
I meditate on all of this daily and feel as though I'm shown little glimpses, but I still don't know what's next...and maybe that's how it is supposed to be for now.
I wish you clarity on your journey. May you listen to your intuition and be guided where you need to go for your own highest good.
Monday, January 7, 2019
My Spiritual Journey. Part: 1
I can hardly believe how long it has been since I posted on here. My life has changed so drastically...I don't even know where to start...
The short version is that a lot has happened over the past year. All of which has lead me on a significant spiritual journey. I am finding myself and understanding myself in a much more thoughtful way. I am trying all kinds of new things that speak to me and if they resonate, I try them again. If they don't, I am still grateful for the experience, but I let it go.
Years ago now, my Mom started having heart troubles, which eventually led to stents in February 2017. The procedure was very successful and for a short time, my Mom had a new lease on life. All of a sudden in March 2017, she started having new, different pains. They were enough near her heart that she assumed it was still heart related, and so did her Cardiologist. After 9 months of various appointments, misleadings, different doctors, tests, emerg visits and more, my Mom was diagnosed with stage 3 Pancreatic Cancer and surgery wasn't an option. We were both in such deep denial. She had known something serious was wrong, but I kept trying to stay positive. She was admitted in hospital all of January 2018 and by the end of the month, I knew I couldn't do everything on my own. My brother moved from Toronto to help and thank goodness he did. Mom had palliative radiation treatments, which did help for a couple of weeks, but after that, her decline was quick and steady. She passed away 4 months after her diagnosis. To saw that I was irrevocably changed by this would be a gross understatement. I am a different person now, in maybe every way.
This all seems like such a crude way to describe what that journey was like. I will elaborate in great detail in a future post.
After my Mom passed a few things happened. I felt I needed a distraction and a new career. I took every aptitude test out there and nothing gave me any clarity. Then one day my husband said something as simple as, "What about real estate? You had talked about doing that years ago." After that one conversation, and another with a Real Estate Agent I know, I enrolled in the Real Estate course and worked for hours daily on it. While this was going on, I was also spending large amounts of time reading about the spiritual world and how to connect with loved ones.
I will never ever regret taking the Real Estate course. It gave me a healthy distraction in those first months. I feel like without it I would have gone completely insane. I lost my person and making decisions without her, or even looking at her house, felt darn near impossible. She had lived right next door to me...so that was especially difficult...and continues to be.
As time passed, I found my interest and passion for spirituality grew. It was always about connecting to my Mom, which was yet to have happened. I ended up being led to an online group with a wonderful medium who was definitely an important part of my journey. I took a couple of courses with her, but mostly importantly, I was shown that I was not alone in my interests and made a wonderfully supportive friend through the group. I also saw a local medium. Meeting her has also been great because I feel supported in my journey just being around her. She holds occasional workshops at her business and they are tremendously informative and journey-supportive.
One of the things that truly fascinates me is how now I am naturally drawn to people with similar interests. I can meet a new person and know right away if I can discuss the spiritual world with them. My favourite meeting came completely unexpected, this past November. I was entering a contest with my husband, where you go around to local businesses and add something they sell to your "wish list". We were literally done and heading back to the car when I noticed a sign for one of the galleries on the list that we had never been to. I felt very drawn to check it out and we had just enough time to do so. The building itself was spectacular, the art was so varied and interesting. We were loving every second. When it came to getting a signature for our wish list entry, I met the owner. She is this deeply spiritual and connected person, who has shown me more in my brief time knowing her than any of my previous teachers. I know whole-heartedly I was called to meet her that day and that she will continue to be an important part of my story.
Part of this journey is trying new things, as I mentioned before. So far I have gone to a medium, attended a group Sound Healing session, taken part in a Kirtan, done lots and lots of meditation and yoga, and taken part in a deeply powerful Journey Circle (with the lady just mentioned). What an amazing universe I am being shown! I had been shown some things in the past, but nothing prepared me for knowing how much is out there, that many people close their eyes to. We are deeply connected to one and other, to nature, to energy...and it is a beautiful and supportive thing to explore.
Without going into too much detail, I will say that I have connected with my Mom through dreams and wake up feeling that these experiences heal my heart a little bit each time. In the most recent dream, she was standing right in front of me, looking so excited. I sputtered out, "I can see you! Can you see me?!" I woke up knowing that we had experienced something very real. I feel like she finally figured out how to reach me and I know there will be more visits from her. I can't express how grateful I am for this. Feeling so connected to her is helping me so much. I always felt like she would be with me, but now I know that she is and I feel she supports me and my new journey very much.
So, now what? I have no idea. I feel like my new path is just beyond my grasp. I feel like I'm on the edge of something great unfolding. I would dare say that I feel like my life's purpose is going to be shown to me.
That was a lot to unload, after such a long absence on here...so I will leave you with that for now. Thank you for taking time to read this.
Light & Love.
The short version is that a lot has happened over the past year. All of which has lead me on a significant spiritual journey. I am finding myself and understanding myself in a much more thoughtful way. I am trying all kinds of new things that speak to me and if they resonate, I try them again. If they don't, I am still grateful for the experience, but I let it go.
Years ago now, my Mom started having heart troubles, which eventually led to stents in February 2017. The procedure was very successful and for a short time, my Mom had a new lease on life. All of a sudden in March 2017, she started having new, different pains. They were enough near her heart that she assumed it was still heart related, and so did her Cardiologist. After 9 months of various appointments, misleadings, different doctors, tests, emerg visits and more, my Mom was diagnosed with stage 3 Pancreatic Cancer and surgery wasn't an option. We were both in such deep denial. She had known something serious was wrong, but I kept trying to stay positive. She was admitted in hospital all of January 2018 and by the end of the month, I knew I couldn't do everything on my own. My brother moved from Toronto to help and thank goodness he did. Mom had palliative radiation treatments, which did help for a couple of weeks, but after that, her decline was quick and steady. She passed away 4 months after her diagnosis. To saw that I was irrevocably changed by this would be a gross understatement. I am a different person now, in maybe every way.
This all seems like such a crude way to describe what that journey was like. I will elaborate in great detail in a future post.
After my Mom passed a few things happened. I felt I needed a distraction and a new career. I took every aptitude test out there and nothing gave me any clarity. Then one day my husband said something as simple as, "What about real estate? You had talked about doing that years ago." After that one conversation, and another with a Real Estate Agent I know, I enrolled in the Real Estate course and worked for hours daily on it. While this was going on, I was also spending large amounts of time reading about the spiritual world and how to connect with loved ones.
I will never ever regret taking the Real Estate course. It gave me a healthy distraction in those first months. I feel like without it I would have gone completely insane. I lost my person and making decisions without her, or even looking at her house, felt darn near impossible. She had lived right next door to me...so that was especially difficult...and continues to be.
As time passed, I found my interest and passion for spirituality grew. It was always about connecting to my Mom, which was yet to have happened. I ended up being led to an online group with a wonderful medium who was definitely an important part of my journey. I took a couple of courses with her, but mostly importantly, I was shown that I was not alone in my interests and made a wonderfully supportive friend through the group. I also saw a local medium. Meeting her has also been great because I feel supported in my journey just being around her. She holds occasional workshops at her business and they are tremendously informative and journey-supportive.
One of the things that truly fascinates me is how now I am naturally drawn to people with similar interests. I can meet a new person and know right away if I can discuss the spiritual world with them. My favourite meeting came completely unexpected, this past November. I was entering a contest with my husband, where you go around to local businesses and add something they sell to your "wish list". We were literally done and heading back to the car when I noticed a sign for one of the galleries on the list that we had never been to. I felt very drawn to check it out and we had just enough time to do so. The building itself was spectacular, the art was so varied and interesting. We were loving every second. When it came to getting a signature for our wish list entry, I met the owner. She is this deeply spiritual and connected person, who has shown me more in my brief time knowing her than any of my previous teachers. I know whole-heartedly I was called to meet her that day and that she will continue to be an important part of my story.
Part of this journey is trying new things, as I mentioned before. So far I have gone to a medium, attended a group Sound Healing session, taken part in a Kirtan, done lots and lots of meditation and yoga, and taken part in a deeply powerful Journey Circle (with the lady just mentioned). What an amazing universe I am being shown! I had been shown some things in the past, but nothing prepared me for knowing how much is out there, that many people close their eyes to. We are deeply connected to one and other, to nature, to energy...and it is a beautiful and supportive thing to explore.
Without going into too much detail, I will say that I have connected with my Mom through dreams and wake up feeling that these experiences heal my heart a little bit each time. In the most recent dream, she was standing right in front of me, looking so excited. I sputtered out, "I can see you! Can you see me?!" I woke up knowing that we had experienced something very real. I feel like she finally figured out how to reach me and I know there will be more visits from her. I can't express how grateful I am for this. Feeling so connected to her is helping me so much. I always felt like she would be with me, but now I know that she is and I feel she supports me and my new journey very much.
So, now what? I have no idea. I feel like my new path is just beyond my grasp. I feel like I'm on the edge of something great unfolding. I would dare say that I feel like my life's purpose is going to be shown to me.
That was a lot to unload, after such a long absence on here...so I will leave you with that for now. Thank you for taking time to read this.
Light & Love.
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