Awaken from Grief

I feel like I've awoken from a fog, created by deep, deep grief.

After my Mom died, I was so lost. The hole that it left in my heart, in my life, was so huge and impossible to fill back up. I tried, for months, to do things that brought me a little joy. I did things Mom would have loved, things that were on our family bucket list, things that created a distraction. Then one day, I literally woke up and everything had changed inside of me. Nothing made sense or felt right...and I felt hateful and hostile. I had spent the previous 11 months avoiding learning how to live without my Mom and actively held on, keeping her with me.

I saw mediums who told me I would see her in spirit. I meditated hoping it would happen. I wore her jewelry, held close a few articles of her clothing, hung her favourite painting above my bed and lived next door to her house. At times I did feel as though she was with me. I even had a dream where she stood right infront of me, smiling and looking so whole and well. I believe wholeheartedly that she visited me in that "dream"...to show me that she was ok. I thought I wanted nothing more than to know she was ok, but really what I wanted was my Mom back.

I'm not crazy. I didn't think I could resurrect her or anything, but I did feel very strongly that I could find a real way to keep her in my life.

What I realize now is that I was grasping, I was coping and I was in denial for my own survival.  The first 11 months after my Mom passed were strictly about survival.

So now what? Since that morning I woke up changed, I've actively revisited what brings be peace and clarity, while also acknowledging that I need to learn to accept that my Mom is gone and I can't bring her back. She walks with me in spirit and will always watch over me, but won't ever be there with me physically again. I can't call her, see her, hug her or laugh with her. I can't cry with her, plan things with her, celebrate with her...but I can talk to her. I can keep her memory alive for me and my kids.

I will still cry, I will still remember, I will still wish she was here and point out when we are doing something she would have loved. I will never forget, never be "over it" and never replace her, but I will learn how to live my best life without her. I will continue to find things to be grateful for in each day.

The other thing I was doing, and it almost makes me laugh in a strange way, is I was living my life how I felt my Mom would want me to. I was doing things I thought she would want for me...things that would make her proud and avoiding things that I felt she would disapprove of. Some things were silly but others were pretty significant.

When a loved one passes, we can't hold on so tight to their memory that we stop living our own lives. We can't live for them or how they wish we would live. We need to honour their memory, of course, but living our best lives is what we do for them...not live their life in their absense. Realizing this feels like an "ah ha" moment for me...a turning point.

So going forward, I will be seeking what brings me joy, what I'm passionate about and what is for my highest good. I won't be hiding from the pain and trying to fill the void. I am ready to start to heal the hole and I know that's what she would want for me.

I love you, Mom. There is no replacement for you, your unconditional love and our bond. There won't be a day that passes where you aren't on my mind and in my heart...but I'm ready to live for me.

Rest in peace.