I didn't come to this decision easily, or quickly, but I did come to it alone.
From the outside, we were deemed a "picture perfect family". We did all of the outings, activities, family gatherings and photos as were expected. We successfully got through each day, with combined efforts with jobs, running kids to sports and things, meals, routines, etc. No one was miserable, by any stretch, but no one was truly happy either. We lived this way for years.
Sometimes it takes a tragic event, or at minimum some sort of awakening, to fully see how your life. Are you living it or simply existing in it? I was existing. Everyone got where they needed to go, all the things were achieved but no one's cup was full. I don't like that expression, but it makes the point.
I took care of the kids, my husband and my Mom. I encouraged them to do the things that interested them, visit the places that called to them, explore, learn and simply enjoy...while I chauffeured. I don't even think I knew I wasn't happy. I more felt that I was doing what all moms/wives did-lived for everyone else. I would change very little actually, because I would do it all again. I would give all of myself to ensure my kids were happy...that they had the things they needed...that my husband reached his goals...that my Mom was content and well...I would do it all again.
I remember the exact moment I knew I was done with the life I had actively created for myself. I knew what I had to do. It didn't make it any easier to do it. We had gone on this trip-the first real vacation since having kids. I want it say that "it should have been amazing", but that word..."should"...what does that even mean? It was fine. We did nice things, we ate nice food...but all I could think was that we would both be happier if we were there with someone else.
A week later, lounging on our bed, I said something to the effect that I thought our marriage was over. I blindsided him. I can remember the look on his face. It was like I was betraying him. My best friend of so many years. I never wanted that.
I can honestly say that no one cheated, no one called the other terrible names or lashed out horribly. Our marriage was fine, as most are, but there is more to life than "fine". Each of us deserved better, or at least different.
I never ever wanted this complicated life for my kids. I wanted to raise them in a happy home with both of their parents present, but at what cost? I completely lost myself trying to give them that life. I couldn't recognize myself anymore. I very genuinely didn't even know what I liked to do, or not do anymore. I never, ever took time for me. What would that even look like?! How would I have found the time? Kids in sports, husband who works, tutors, plays in a band, etc...
I thought about all of these things for years, before I finally took the leap. It was the year after my Mom passed away. Losing her changed my entire existence. Losing her made me reevaluate everything. She knew, long before I did, that my marriage wasn't "right". I'll never forget Thanksgiving 2020 when my brother told me, and the supper guests, that Mom referred to my ex as "Her first husband'. I guess she didn't feel it would be right to tell me that's how she saw him, but oddly I find it comforting. She got me, better than anyone else ever will.
The whole process of the initial "our marriage is over" conversation, to telling our kids, to apartment renting, to adapting to shared custody...the list goes on...it has been hard. Hard isn't the word. It has been hard, mixed with moments of absolute hell. Adjusting to this new life seems to be an ongoing process. Some days now are very normal...the new normal. Others....I hurt for my kids, who are stuck in a situation they did not choose for themselves. I did the right thing for me, but did I do the right thing for them?
My kids are loved. They are loved by more people now than ever. They have an expanded family, that I never saw coming. It's amazing in ways, but while we as parents date and move on, we risk hurting our kids hearts along the way. I never make dating decisions without my kids hearts and minds in consideration. Have I handled it perfectly? No! Has he? No! Would I change some things if I could? Yup!
I've since thought I found "the one". I was wrong. I brought my kids into the relationship much too quickly, because he was a single Dad, with sole custody and scheduling felt impossible. Was that a mistake? Yes. Were feelings hurt? Yes.
I'm not looking for a father for my kids-they have one of those. I am looking for someone who can fit into our lives though. Someone I can trust, who my children can trust...and let me tell you-that is no easy task. Dating at 40 means divorces, separations, exes, children, pets, formed habits, formed opinions, challenges a plenty. You both bring all or some of that to the table and it feels like a constant juggling act, even just with custody arrangements and such. I think these hurdles prompt people to make big decisions quickly. How can we make this easier? Make this work faster? I'm telling you-it ain't easy.
To the men and women who date a single parent-thank you. Thank you for creating space and understanding for us and our kids. We know we are a lot, but we are a package deal and if we let you in, you should know how special we must think you are. When you enter our lives, please know it is not just one heart you can break, it is all of our hearts, and that shouldn't be taken lightly.
I tell you now-I choose me. I choose my kids. If you don't add positively to the life we are trying to lead, I will kindly say goodbye and wish you well. We are not all meant to be in each others lives. People come and people go. There is always a lesson to be learned in these encounters and some are really, really hard ones...some a little more subtle, and repeated until you've learned it.
I have so, SO much more to share, but this feels like a great cut-off point for today. Thank you for reading. I am grateful.
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