Choosing Me (Divorce, dating and more)

 I didn't come to this decision easily, or quickly, but I did come to it alone. 

From the outside, we were deemed a "picture perfect family". We did all of the outings, activities, family gatherings and photos as were expected. We successfully got through each day, with combined efforts with jobs, running kids to sports and things, meals, routines, etc. No one was miserable, by any stretch, but no one was truly happy either. We lived this way for years.

Sometimes it takes a tragic event, or at minimum some sort of awakening, to fully see how your life. Are you living it or simply existing in it? I was existing. Everyone got where they needed to go, all the things were achieved but no one's cup was full. I don't like that expression, but it makes the point.

I took care of the kids, my husband and my Mom. I encouraged them to do the things that interested them, visit the places that called to them, explore, learn and simply enjoy...while I chauffeured. I don't even think I knew I wasn't happy. I more felt that I was doing what all moms/wives did-lived for everyone else. I would change very little actually, because I would do it all again. I would give all of myself to ensure my kids were happy...that they had the things they needed...that my husband reached his goals...that my Mom was content and well...I would do it all again.

I remember the exact moment I knew I was done with the life I had actively created for myself. I knew what I had to do. It didn't make it any easier to do it. We had gone on this trip-the first real vacation since having kids. I want it say that "it should have been amazing", but that word..."should"...what does that even mean? It was fine. We did nice things, we ate nice food...but all I could think was that we would both be happier if we were there with someone else.

A week later, lounging on our bed, I said something to the effect that I thought our marriage was over. I blindsided him. I can remember the look on his face. It was like I was betraying him. My best friend of so many years. I never wanted that.

I can honestly say that no one cheated, no one called the other terrible names or lashed out horribly. Our marriage was fine, as most are, but there is more to life than "fine". Each of us deserved better, or at least different.

I never ever wanted this complicated life for my kids. I wanted to raise them in a happy home with both of their parents present, but at what cost? I completely lost myself trying to give them that life. I couldn't recognize myself anymore. I very genuinely didn't even know what I liked to do, or not do anymore. I never, ever took time for me. What would that even look like?! How would I have found the time? Kids in sports, husband who works, tutors, plays in a band, etc... 

I thought about all of these things for years, before I finally took the leap. It was the year after my Mom passed away. Losing her changed my entire existence. Losing her made me reevaluate everything. She knew, long before I did, that my marriage wasn't "right". I'll never forget Thanksgiving 2020 when my brother told me, and the supper guests, that Mom referred to my ex as "Her first husband'. I guess she didn't feel it would be right to tell me that's how she saw him, but oddly I find it comforting. She got me, better than anyone else ever will.

The whole process of the initial "our marriage is over" conversation, to telling our kids, to apartment renting, to adapting to shared custody...the list goes on...it has been hard. Hard isn't the word. It has been hard, mixed with moments of absolute hell. Adjusting to this new life seems to be an ongoing process. Some days now are very normal...the new normal. Others....I hurt for my kids, who are stuck in a situation they did not choose for themselves. I did the right thing for me, but did I do the right thing for them?

My kids are loved. They are loved by more people now than ever. They have an expanded family, that I never saw coming. It's amazing in ways, but while we as parents date and move on, we risk hurting our kids hearts along the way. I never make dating decisions without my kids hearts and minds in consideration. Have I handled it perfectly? No! Has he? No! Would I change some things if I could? Yup!

I've since thought I found "the one". I was wrong. I brought my kids into the relationship much too quickly, because he was a single Dad, with sole custody and scheduling felt impossible. Was that a mistake? Yes. Were feelings hurt? Yes. 

I'm not looking for a father for my kids-they have one of those. I am looking for someone who can fit into our lives though. Someone I can trust, who my children can trust...and let me tell you-that is no easy task. Dating at 40 means divorces, separations, exes, children, pets, formed habits, formed opinions, challenges a plenty. You both bring all or some of that to the table and it feels like a constant juggling act, even just with custody arrangements and such. I think these hurdles prompt people to make big decisions quickly. How can we make this easier? Make this work faster? I'm telling you-it ain't easy.

To the men and women who date a single parent-thank you. Thank you for creating space and understanding for us and our kids. We know we are a lot, but we are a package deal and if we let you in, you should know how special we must think you are. When you enter our lives, please know it is not just one heart you can break, it is all of our hearts, and that shouldn't be taken lightly. 

I tell you now-I choose me. I choose my kids. If you don't add positively to the life we are trying to lead, I will kindly say goodbye and wish you well. We are not all meant to be in each others lives. People come and people go. There is always a lesson to be learned in these encounters and some are really, really hard ones...some a little more subtle, and repeated until you've learned it.

I have so, SO much more to share, but this feels like a great cut-off point for today. Thank you for reading. I am grateful.

Quarantine Family Life-Part 1

Who would have guessed that we would still be living the quarantine life in May?? Not us! 

At first we were still allowed going to beaches...so we actively sought out new-to-us beaches in Nova Scotia and had a blast! We drove across the province just to see a special beach with amethyst and more. We trekked through the woods and came out at clearing we didn't know existed. We packed picnics, froze our buns off, and explored nature. We made the absolute most of our time together.

We made crafts (crafted until I broke a sweat, literally), even constructed an extensive dollhouse out of corrugated plastic and tape. Lots of tape. We did experiments, cooked and baked, did online workout videos together, played Scrabble, Pictionary, Twister and more. We started watching Life in Pieces (such a great show!) for comedic relief. We drew pictures, wrote cards and mailed them off to many, MANY people. We got lost down the rabbit hole called tik tok ...for more hours than I can to admit to. My girl even started her own Etsy shop, selling hand drawn stickers. I can proudly say we did so very well right through to the end of April.

The dollhouse, turned castle.

The weeks passed, restrictions tightened and the dreaded home schooling began. Lord save us all. One of my kids is a fantastic, self-starter. Home schooling for her is easy, enjoyable and productive. The other two...well...I would say it's like pulling teeth, but that doesn't do it justice. HELL ON EARTH! That's what it is. The youngest has been put in detention so many times that I have lost track. Home schooling can be fun, they said. SHUT UP, KAREN!

Anyway, I could feel us all starting to spiral, so we needed a new plan. We go for daily walks, or bikes, or skateboards, in our neighborhood. I make it mandatory, which sometimes sucks the joy right out of it. Most recently we started themed suppers, with photo shoots. This has been super awesome! The first day was formal night. We got dressed in our fanciest, still fitting, outfits, did a photo shoot inside and outside, and had a great meal. My youngest made invites, my middle girly made menus. My son showed up...so that was good. Last night was "Friends" theme. We ate sandwiches, had name tags, did another photo shoot and watched the "Pivot!" episode. Tonight is "slob" theme. This requires zero attire change, will involve photos, pizza, no napkins and lots of photos! Basically it's just another quarantine day around here. Good times.

Formal Theme Night

Friends Theme Night

       I'm told keeping this busy is a trauma response. I have always been my best when busy...so have I always been fighting off trauma? I choose to believe the answer is no. What I have learned is to not be so hard on yourself right now. If you're surviving this by staying in your pjs, eating ice cream for breakfast and crafting until you sweat...it's all ok. If you're eating well, working out and working from home...that's cool too. Surviving is enough right now. I don't know about you but working, home schooling and grieving for our world has been very hard on me, but I'm showing up for it all everyday. Not without complaints, not without sadness, not without frustrations...but I am alive and grateful. Do whatever the f*** works! My kids and I are healthy, happy-ish and together. What more could I truly ask for?!

I'll post an activity we do when it rains below and keep you posted on the nonsense we do to fill our time soon. Feel free to suggest some kid-friendly activities, or themes for us to try out. Stay well, stay safe, people. 

Awaken from Grief

I feel like I've awoken from a fog, created by deep, deep grief.

After my Mom died, I was so lost. The hole that it left in my heart, in my life, was so huge and impossible to fill back up. I tried, for months, to do things that brought me a little joy. I did things Mom would have loved, things that were on our family bucket list, things that created a distraction. Then one day, I literally woke up and everything had changed inside of me. Nothing made sense or felt right...and I felt hateful and hostile. I had spent the previous 11 months avoiding learning how to live without my Mom and actively held on, keeping her with me.

I saw mediums who told me I would see her in spirit. I meditated hoping it would happen. I wore her jewelry, held close a few articles of her clothing, hung her favourite painting above my bed and lived next door to her house. At times I did feel as though she was with me. I even had a dream where she stood right infront of me, smiling and looking so whole and well. I believe wholeheartedly that she visited me in that "dream"...to show me that she was ok. I thought I wanted nothing more than to know she was ok, but really what I wanted was my Mom back.

I'm not crazy. I didn't think I could resurrect her or anything, but I did feel very strongly that I could find a real way to keep her in my life.

What I realize now is that I was grasping, I was coping and I was in denial for my own survival.  The first 11 months after my Mom passed were strictly about survival.

So now what? Since that morning I woke up changed, I've actively revisited what brings be peace and clarity, while also acknowledging that I need to learn to accept that my Mom is gone and I can't bring her back. She walks with me in spirit and will always watch over me, but won't ever be there with me physically again. I can't call her, see her, hug her or laugh with her. I can't cry with her, plan things with her, celebrate with her...but I can talk to her. I can keep her memory alive for me and my kids.

I will still cry, I will still remember, I will still wish she was here and point out when we are doing something she would have loved. I will never forget, never be "over it" and never replace her, but I will learn how to live my best life without her. I will continue to find things to be grateful for in each day.

The other thing I was doing, and it almost makes me laugh in a strange way, is I was living my life how I felt my Mom would want me to. I was doing things I thought she would want for me...things that would make her proud and avoiding things that I felt she would disapprove of. Some things were silly but others were pretty significant.

When a loved one passes, we can't hold on so tight to their memory that we stop living our own lives. We can't live for them or how they wish we would live. We need to honour their memory, of course, but living our best lives is what we do for them...not live their life in their absense. Realizing this feels like an "ah ha" moment for me...a turning point.

So going forward, I will be seeking what brings me joy, what I'm passionate about and what is for my highest good. I won't be hiding from the pain and trying to fill the void. I am ready to start to heal the hole and I know that's what she would want for me.

I love you, Mom. There is no replacement for you, your unconditional love and our bond. There won't be a day that passes where you aren't on my mind and in my heart...but I'm ready to live for me.

Rest in peace.

At a Crossroads

Have you ever felt so clearly at a crossroads, so clearly at the cusp of something new and fantastic, but you feel like you're getting in your own way from realizing it? Well that is exactly where I am at.

As much as I truly believe that everything happens in divine time, I'm not traditionally a patient person and I feel very ready for the next step. More than ever before, I feel to the core of my being that it's going to be something great and something huge for me. I can see myself giving talks about my journey, to help others on theirs. After being through so much this past year, seeing my Mom through cancer and with her in her final moments...it changed me and it taught me. There are so many people in the world going through something similar and I believe that there is peace in knowing that you are not alone.

I meditate on all of this daily and feel as though I'm shown little glimpses, but I still don't know what's next...and maybe that's how it is supposed to be for now.

I wish you clarity on your journey. May you listen to your intuition and be guided where you need to go for your own highest good.

My Spiritual Journey. Part: 1

I can hardly believe how long it has been since I posted on here. My life has changed so drastically...I don't even know where to start...

The short version is that a lot has happened over the past year. All of which has lead me on a significant spiritual journey. I am finding myself and understanding myself in a much more thoughtful way. I am trying all kinds of new things that speak to me and if they resonate, I try them again. If they don't, I am still grateful for the experience, but I let it go.

Years ago now, my Mom started having heart troubles, which eventually led to stents in February 2017. The procedure was very successful and for a short time, my Mom had a new lease on life. All of a sudden in March 2017, she started having new, different pains. They were enough near her heart that she assumed it was still heart related, and so did her Cardiologist. After 9 months of various appointments, misleadings, different doctors, tests, emerg visits and more, my Mom was diagnosed with stage 3 Pancreatic Cancer and surgery wasn't an option. We were both in such deep denial. She had known something serious was wrong, but I kept trying to stay positive. She was admitted in hospital all of January 2018 and by the end of the month, I knew I couldn't do everything on my own. My brother moved from Toronto to help and thank goodness he did. Mom had palliative radiation treatments, which did help for a couple of weeks, but after that, her decline was quick and steady. She passed away 4 months after her diagnosis. To saw that I was irrevocably changed by this would be a gross understatement. I am a different person now, in maybe every way.

This all seems like such a crude way to describe what that journey was like. I will elaborate in great detail in a future post.

After my Mom passed a few things happened. I felt I needed a distraction and a new career. I took every aptitude test out there and nothing gave me any clarity. Then one day my husband said something as simple as, "What about real estate? You had talked about doing that years ago." After that one conversation, and another with a Real Estate Agent I know, I enrolled in the Real Estate course and worked for hours daily on it. While this was going on, I was also spending large amounts of time reading about the spiritual world and how to connect with loved ones.

I will never ever regret taking the Real Estate course. It gave me a healthy distraction in those first months. I feel like without it I would have gone completely insane. I lost my person and making decisions without her, or even looking at her house, felt darn near impossible. She had lived right next door to me...so that was especially difficult...and continues to be.

As time passed, I found my interest and passion for spirituality grew. It was always about connecting to my Mom, which was yet to have happened. I ended up being led to an online group with a wonderful medium who was definitely an important part of my journey. I took a couple of courses with her, but mostly importantly, I was shown that I was not alone in my interests and made a wonderfully supportive friend through the group. I also saw a local medium. Meeting her has also been great because I feel supported in my journey just being around her. She holds occasional workshops at her business and they are tremendously informative and journey-supportive.

One of the things that truly fascinates me is how now I am naturally drawn to people with similar interests. I can meet a new person and know right away if I can discuss the spiritual world with them. My favourite meeting came completely unexpected, this past November. I was entering a contest with my husband, where you go around to local businesses and add something they sell to your "wish list". We were literally done and heading back to the car when I noticed a sign for one of the galleries on the list that we had never been to. I felt very drawn to check it out and we had just enough time to do so. The building itself was spectacular, the art was so varied and interesting. We were loving every second. When it came to getting a signature for our wish list entry, I met the owner. She is this deeply spiritual and connected person, who has shown me more in my brief time knowing her than any of my previous teachers. I know whole-heartedly I was called to meet her that day and that she will continue to be an important part of my story.

Part of this journey is trying new things, as I mentioned before. So far I have gone to a medium, attended a group Sound Healing session, taken part in a Kirtan, done lots and lots of meditation and yoga, and taken part in a deeply powerful Journey Circle (with the lady just mentioned). What an amazing universe I am being shown! I had been shown some things in the past, but nothing prepared me for knowing how much is out there, that many people close their eyes to. We are deeply connected to one and other, to nature, to energy...and it is a beautiful and supportive thing to explore.

Without going into too much detail, I will say that I have connected with my Mom through dreams and wake up feeling that these experiences heal my heart a little bit each time. In the most recent dream, she was standing right in front of me, looking so excited. I sputtered out, "I can see you! Can you see me?!" I woke up knowing that we had experienced something very real. I feel like she finally figured out how to reach me and I know there will be more visits from her. I can't express how grateful I am for this. Feeling so connected to her is helping me so much. I always felt like she would be with me, but now I know that she is and I feel she supports me and my new journey very much.

So, now what? I have no idea. I feel like my new path is just beyond my grasp. I feel like I'm on the edge of something great unfolding. I would dare say that I feel like my life's purpose is going to be shown to me.

That was a lot to unload, after such a long absence on here...so I will leave you with that for now. Thank you for taking time to read this.

Light & Love.

Much needed "Friend" Rant

I have allowed myself to agonize over a few friendships recently and all of a sudden, this morning, I realized that true friendship wouldn't have me questioning everything. True friends wouldn't talk behind my back. True friends would tell me to my face when or if there was an issue to address. True friends wouldn't all of a sudden drop out of your life without an explanation.

For months now, I've been keeping secrets from a friend, to spare her feelings during an immensely difficult time in her life, but now I realize I was doing a major disservice to our friendship and to myself. I let this information I have fester and all it has done is stress me out and in the end, the bad guy won...which is laughable really. I tried to be the good friend and in the end, I'm the one painted as the villain. 

I try to be a good person and a good friend, but with 2 jobs, 3 kids, a husband with 2 jobs and his Masters...I'm lacking. All of that said, I think I'm ok with that. I need to take care of myself and my family and if my "friends" can't understand and respect that, were they ever my real friends to begin with?

I do not have room for drama in my life...especially not now. I thought this kind of crap ended in junior high? Guess not. Why can't women just love and support each other? Why can't we be cheerleaders for each other and raise each other up in this cruel world? 

Enough!

End rant.

"Be kind to one another."

By the time we reach our 30's, we should have learned how to behave. We should have learned how to treat people and how we want to be treated. We can not treat people poorly and expect to be treated well in return.

Treat people how YOU wish to be treated. Treat people with kindness and respect, even when it's difficult to do so. Don't be a mean girl. Don't talk behind your "friends" back. You never know what will get back to them and how much your comments might hurt.

Lets be part of Ellen's movement to simply "Be kind to one another". Sounds easy, right? 

Hold the door for the person behind you. Say please and thank you. Pay compliments. Smile at people for no other reason other than to spread joy. None of these things cost you a cent, but they can mean the world to someone. Always remember that little things mean a lot.

Never forget that people are struggling. Everyone has something going on in their lives that is less than perfect. Maybe its a job, a relationship, an illness...maybe it's on a much smaller scale, like an upset stomach or blister on their heel. The point is, everyone is dealing with something.

Be kind. Spread joy and share smiles, not rumors. Be patient, be present and treat others how you wish to be treated. Life is a beautiful thing. Lets make it even more beautiful together.