At different times during my childhood, my Mom would say things like, "When you're a mother, you will understand how a parent can hurt for their child." I always brushed her off with a, "Yeah, yeah, Mom." Now, a Mom of 3 crazy kids, I finally completely understand what she meant.
Recently my family moved and my kids started at a new school. In no time at all, my son amassed a group of friends and settled into his new spot at their really wonderful school. He didn't even really have a period of transition. He was happy there right away, made friends and loves his teachers. He even started listening in class, which was a huge accomplishment for him. My daughter has had a completely different experience.
For a seemingly wild and happy little girl, she is very shy, when she's not at home. She clams right up, and until recently, wouldn't even order her food at a restaurant on her own. It's incredible to see the transition from the upbeat, actress, princess we have at home to the quiet girl, who keeps to herself at school. She makes for the ideal student and all of her teachers love her. She listens extremely well, answers questions when asked and does all her work happily and with great care, but she plays alone at recess. Sometimes she doesn't even play. Sometimes she just walks laps around the play park until recess is over. At what age does this become a concern?
I have tried talking to her about this. I have tried encouraging her to ask the other kids to play. She has a few times and the other kids are happy to play with her, but she doesn't seem to forge friendships, just plays with them once and then not again. On the other hand, she plays really well with her siblings...well, as well as any child can play with their siblings.
I have to admit, I'm a bit of a loner myself. I thoroughly enjoy time to myself and am very picky about who I befriend. If I can't be 100% myself with a person, I don't have room in my life for them. Life is far too short to be anything but yourself, as long as no one else gets hurt in the process.
Today, when I picked up the kids at school, my daughter ran up to me and proudly said, "Mommy, guess what?! I asked a girl to play at recess and we played...until two other girls came over and then I got left out." I don't know if she actually got left out, or fell back when more kids joined in the group. All I know is that my heart literally ached to see the sadness in her eyes.
As the school year goes on, my son gets invited to birthday parties and friends houses to play after school, and my daughter's feelings are hurt every time. Occasionally she gets invited with him, but then she gets left out because she's younger and quiet. Recently we visited family friends and their daughter was so excited to see my son and visibly less excited to see my daughter. She of course picked up on this right away, and with tears in her eyes, quietly said to me, "She doesn't seem excited to see me, Mommy". Yet another heart crushing moment.
It's amazing to me how a person could have 10 children and they would all have their very own unique personalities. I have one child who meets new people with complete ease and confidence. He has excellent manners when meeting people and is very considerate of other people's feelings. He always holds doors for people, says hi to people and compliments our server at a restaurant if they were particularly friendly and/or efficient. I guess he's sort of beyond his years in that way. Then I have a little girl who is absolutely sweet, loving, thoughtful, polite and creative, but is incredibly timid and lacks confidence when meeting new people.
For now my solution is to let her join the activities outside of school that she's interested in and hope that she finds friendship through common interests. I've already spoken to her teacher, who is incredibly supportive and helpful, and she is rotating the kids seating each week and trying to sit my daughter with kids she thinks she will like. Other than that, all I can do is show my daughter all the love and support I can and work on her confidence.
Do you have a shy child? Did they grow out of it? Let me know! I'd love to know how you handled it. It's breaking my heart to see my daughter hurt like this. I don't want her to be alone on the playground anymore.
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